Parking

Parking a car. You'd think it's something most people with a license can do, but no. You dumbasses are doing it wrong.

Those white lines are there for a reason. USE THEM. They are direct guidelines on where to park, not suggestions. If you park too close to the other cars, don't act so surprised when your car gets keyed. You deserve it, bitch. If you park over the line, I will get a brush guard and hit the shit out of your damn car, and I won't leave a "I'm sorry" note.

Now let's talk about parallel parking. Most of you shouldn't even attempt to do it, because, let's face it, you can't, and never will be able to. Probably because you're a female. Take your ass back to driver's ed and practice with some damn cones.

If you can't park a car properly, you're a dumbass. Don't drive. Better get used to public transportation because that's the only wheels your ass should be riding around in. Fix it. Good luck.

In the Laundry Room

Let's talk about the laundry room. Again, something that is oh so common, but you're doing it wrong you dumbasses. Whether you share the space with  family, a roommate, several roommates, or a significant other, there are several key issues you need to focus on.

Now I'm sure most of you understand how the washer works. You put the detergent and clothes in and hit some button that starts the cycle. If you've never done your own laundry, just stop reading. There's no hope for you. Dammit. You're destined to forever fail at life. But for those of you who do, do you not understand the concept of taking your damn clothes out of the washer once they're done? Other people need the washer too, you bitch. You're not the only one who likes clean clothes.

Here's the most important thing. CLEAN OUT THE DRYER VENT. Do you want to burn the house down? Then clean out the damn vent.

Lastly, the same concept for the washer applies to the dryer as well. Take your ugly ass clothes out of the damn dryer so other people can dry their clothes. And make sure you get everything out. Look around...carefully. Do you want other people pulling out your lost skivvies when they take out their clothes? No. I don't want to see your underwear.

If you do any of the things I have mentioned, you're doing it wrong, and you're a dumbass. Better go get yourself a washboard and a clothes line, because that's the only way you're going to be doing your damn laundry. Fix it. Good luck to you all.

Dishwasher Etiquette

Okay ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to talk about dishwashers.Yes, that simple appliance we all love, use everyday, but bitches please, you're doing it WRONG.

The first step is rinsing the dishes BEFORE you put them in the dishwasher. If you completely disregard this step, your dishes will not be clean because all of your shitty food will be stuck all over the damn place. It's gross. People won't want to eat off that shit. Come on now.

 Next, the racks are made to pull out for a reason. Don't just shove all your dishes in the front of the dishwasher. It's wrong, so very wrong. If you have made it to this step without doing it wrong, I congratulate you. You are doing better than most people.

Now let's talk about the placement of dishes in the dishwasher. It's okay to put big bowls up top, but you have to do it right. You need to turn the bowls upside down in order for them to get clean. Not right side up. I dare you to put your bowls right side up, I dare you. Please tell me afterwards that you did and your bowls came out all clean and pretty. If you do, it's bullshit. I won't believe you. Plus I'll laugh at you because all that water that has gotten trapped in the bowl will spill all over you. Serves you right. Bowls go upside down. Come on people, it's common sense. 

Next, give a shit about the coffee mugs. You can't just throw them in there and expect to fit other things in there as well. You have to arrange them so the handles are not in the way of other mugs. Instead of getting 4 in one row, now you can get 5! Isn't spatial reasoning great?

Now I'm sure that your dishwasher has that fancy little silverware holder. It's a great invention. But if you're using it wrong, you might as well hand-wash each damn fork yourself and throw out your dishwasher. If you place all of your forks prongs down, you're doing it wrong. Once again, all your nasty food will still be stuck to the forks once they're suppose to be "clean." Eat using those forks and you'll get a disease. Same thing with the spoons. If your spoons are face down, you're doing it wrong. You go to pull out a clean spoon for your cereal, and bam, there's your oatmeal you had the morning before stuck all over it. Stick the silverware UP and you will end up with clean, happy silverware. And no diseases. Score.

I understand that some of you may be offended or even ashamed. You should be. The modern convenience of the dishwasher should only be granted to those who deserve it. If you do any of the things I have mentioned, you're doing it wrong, and you're a dumbass. Fix it. Good luck to you all.